Fishing & Cornbread :)

     “I love you princess.”  He wiped my rosy cheek with his rough thumb.  “love you too.”  I said in my high pitched voice.  I was growing like a weed, but at the age of five I was still small enough to crawl up on his lap and snuggle to his strong chest.  
     Sometimes I can still smell him.  He always smelled of gasoline and oil from where he worked in a garage, repairing transfer trucks.  I let the memories fade as I let my gaze pause on the freshly placed tomb stone in front of me.  Almost thirteen years had passed since that April day when I was five, but the memories were so real.  I felt like I had just lived that day not long ago.  
     I hesitated as I went up the steps into the house.  It was always painful to walk into their house knowing he would never again be there, waiting for me.  A smile played on the corners of my lips as I allowed my mind to drift back to a couple years ago.  I was ten and had just finished pushing around the red smelly beats on my plate.  “You hungry?  I saw you hide half of your food in that napkin.”  My eyes twinkled at the sound of his voice behind me.  I nodded my head and rubbed my growling stomach.  He leaned his head to my ear so only him and I would hear his secret.  “Follow me.”  He took my small hand in his, as he opened the freezer with his other hand.  He pulled out two ice cream sandwiches and we made our way back to the living room where we devoured our supper.  
     It was Sunday night and I couldn’t go to sleep, I was exhausted and just wanted to let the heaviness of my eye lids win the battle against my memories.  I never let myself go back to April, of this year, the day I lost my best friend.  
     “Pawpaw please don’t leave me!”  I stood beside his hospital bed in the ICU room at Carolina Medical Center in Charlotte.  It was three in the morning and I hadn’t left his side since he had the bleeding stroke on his brain yesterday at church.  Grandma and I were the only ones in the room, and she was asleep on the chair.  I tried to sleep but couldn’t.  I knew this would be the last time I had my Pawpaw all to myself before he went home to be with his Savior.  I slid my tiny hand in his cold and weak hand.  “Pawpaw I need you, you’re my best friend.  Don’t leave me…please.”  I whispered choking back the tears.    
     The next morning I woke to the nurse checking his blood pressure, my hand still wrapped in his.  I wiped my tearstained eyes and stood from the chair I fell asleep in, my family surrounding me.  “We’re going to give each of you a moment with him before we pull the breathing tube.”  The Dr. said before leaving the room.  We all said our last goodbyes to him.  It was the hardest thing any of us have ever done, to go and get the dr. and tell him we were ready for them to pull the tube.  Because the truth is, we weren’t ready, and never would be ready to say goodbye to the foundation of our family.  
     I watched as his breathing got slower and slower, as the uprising and falling of his chest didn’t happen but every thirty seconds.  I watched as his heart would stop, but then start again.  “He’s holding on, he’s fighting this, he doesn’t want to die.”  The Dr. checked his pulse.  “When you let go, he will let go.”  Although the Dr. was talking to the whole family he was looking at me.  While all my family was sitting and talking, I crept over to my Pawpaw’s side and slid my fingers between his.  “I know I said I needed you Pawpaw, and I do, and always will, but it’s time for you to go.  You’re fighting so hard and I know it’s because of me and because I asked you not to give up.  So it’s okay, you can go.  Just know that I love you so much.”  I felt his hand wrapped around mine squeeze a little tighter then release.  I looked at him with his eyelids closed in amazement.  He squeezed my hand.  I thought to myself as tears cascaded down my cheeks.  I don’t care what the Dr.’s say, even if he was brain dead and couldn’t move, I know he squeezed my hand to let me know he was going to be okay.  I sat there beside him holding his hand as he took his last breath, I watched as his chest rose and fell for the last time.  I watched as my Pawpaw…my hero, went to be with his LORD and SAVIOR. 
I wrote this three years ago when my Pawpaw went to be home, the place we all long to be.  I posted this story because sometimes the ache in my heart is so great.  After three years, the pain and ache in my heart is even more great than it was three years ago.  When something huge occurs in my life, he is the first one that I want to tell.  Sometimes I miss him more than my heart can take, and all I can do is pour my heart out to the Lord.  The simplest things remind me of him.....A fishing pole - I used to hate fishing, but when he wanted to take me fishing I would eagerly agree because those were the most precious times, and I just wanted to spend time with Pawpaw.  The smell of cornbread - I used to gag at the thought of cornbread, but I wanted to be just like Pawpaw so I would choke it down.  However now those two things are two of my favorite things in the world :)