My heart can only take so much........

This morning as I was spending time with the Lord, I was reading in Hosea as well as Joshua, when Rahab hid the spies, and as I was reading my heart was just so overwhelmed by the wickedness of our world and overwhelmed at all of the young girls and women who are sold for sex....whether they sell themselves, or they are sold by another.  As I was reading and praying for women all over the world being sold, I thought back to my time overseas in SE Asia, and how many times I was around women being sold right under my nose and I didn't even know it!  An image flashed in my mind then, and I fell to my knees horrified, broken, and sick to my stomach.  My mind went back to the day when I should've known, I should have put two and two together, but I didn't! Why didn't I?  

When I was in SE Asia, we would sometimes go to this place that gave foot massages.  I only got one once, because I don't like people messing with my feet :( However over the course of four and a half months, we probably went around seven times or more.  The image that flashed to my mind that made guilt wash over me, was about two months into being overseas and it was the second time that we had went to this foot massage place, my team mate Ally and I went downstairs to go to the restroom in this place, and there was a door open that had never been open before, and in that room was five to seven mattresses.  This morning when that room flashed in my mind, the first thought that came to my mind was "you dummy!  It is so obvious, why didn't you realize what was happening?"  I was so frustrated with myself this morning, and my heart was overwhelmed with pain, guilt, and sorrow.  Pain for those girls, guilt that I didn't pay attention, and sorrow for the hope they might have seen.  Those girls who were giving people foot massages, that was not their only job, or even their main job!  That was more of a cover up for their life as a sex slave.  Those mattresses were not for them to "sleep" on.  But for them to sell themselves for money.  Looking back now, I see the signs.....the building was surrounded by a tall iron fence, there were video cameras(which is unusual, because people do not have money for that) and their were times we would drive by and it would be closed for "special parties"  All of the signs were there, and I didn't know....it didn't register in my mind what was going on!  And the part that broke my heart the most is the fact that there was a gate with a lock on it, meaning that the women were more than likely being held against their will....they were being trafficked!  All that time, they were there!  For you that know me, sharing the love of Jesus with women who are trapped in sex trafficking is my passion! This is what the Lord has put on my heart and given me a desire to do....share hope with these women.  All along they were right there!  We did share the gospel with them....however we did pay them money for foot massages....and who knows what that money went for!  That money could have went towards bringing more girls in....and that thought right there makes me sick to my stomach and cringe at the thought.  My heart hurts so bad, and I haven't been able to get those girls out of my mind all day!  I honestly think that the Lord was protecting me though, because when I see a room full of mattresses, the first thing that I'm going to think is sex trafficking, and the fact that it didn't even register is strange, so I know that it really just wasn't the Lord's timing and I wasn't supposed to be involved!  That's not to say that it makes it any easier....it actually makes it harder, because I just wonder about those girls and where they are now, and the "what if's" ;) The Lord is Sovereign and faithful over all, and cares for those girls more than I ever could, and wants them to be free physically and spiritually!  So pray for those women and that they will be rescued from the life of being taken advantage of....but more than that pray that their hearts and souls will be rescued from eternity in hell!  Pray that they will become our sisters in Christ!    

Sovereign over all things....

Today I was reminded that the Lord cares about all aspects of our lives!  Sometimes I just forget that He cares about every single moment of my life! Today my car was put in the shop :( oh the joys of having to be responsible.  Sometimes I just desire to be a child again, and not have to worry about things like this! However it's life!  So I took it to the closest place to my apt, because I didn't know how far my car would make it!  They took a look at it and informed me that the piece that was broken was a very expensive piece and when he told me the estimate of the price, tears started pouring down my cheeks.  Now....I told myself "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry!  No  matter what he says, hold off on the tears."  However when those numbers came out of his mouth, I couldn't help the tears!  It was just more than I had! Pour guy is just standing there like uhhhh I don't know what to do!  So I'm apologizing saying I'm sorry I'm crying, I'm fine, I'm really fine! Then I decide to go to the waiting room part of the garage to call my dad so I don't freak the poor guy out too much, and they were playing Christian music, which was an encouragement in itself.  Then he came in and said that I wouldn't even be able to drive my car anywhere else, because the piece that was broken would cause more damage to the rest of my engine if I continued to drive it!  So I told him to go ahead and fix it....praying that he wasn't scamming me!  He looked me in the eyes, my red, swollen, puffy eyes, and he asked my name.  He said "Kelsey it will be ok, we'll fix it up for you, and give you the best service we can!"  And his eyes were just so compassionate, and he was so sweet!  I figured he would get angry, because here he has an emotional crying college girl in his garage, but he was just so sweet to me!  He even told me that he would provide me a ride to work today! So I went home and just let the tears loose with the Lord, and just asked Him for peace in my heart!  I know He always provides, however sometimes I allow my flesh to take over and my heart became overwhelmed.  I went back to the garage later that evening to pick up my car, and he said that on Thursdays they have some kind of "ladies deal" where ladies get 15% off...and he said that even though it was Friday he was going to give me that discount.  So that was $50 off....however when he rang it in he gave me $60 off (he took off an extra $10) and he told me that I was low on oil so he filled my oil, and I was also low on transmission fluid so he filled that as well.  Then he said that my motor was running hard and it wasn't good for it, so he ran something through it that washed it out, so that it would run more smooth....and then on top of all that, he said that they had to take it out on the road to test it, so they put a little gas in it, because it was on empty.  When I got in my car, my gas tank was over halfway full!  And they did all the extra things for no charge!  Only the first estimate he told me, minus $60!!! How faithful is our God!!  And how precious are His children who are obedient to His voice like this man was!  The Lord truly cares about us more than we can even comprehend!  He continues daily to pour His blessings over our lives!  

Never Ending Process.....

On March 16th nine years ago, the Lord made me clean and whole.  He saved me from the life in hell which I deserve.  He made His presence evident in my life and loved my broken heart.  Let me tell you though that wasn't the end of the pain for me!  I tell others that my story is a little backwards.  The Lord saved me at the age of 11, and part of me understood what it means to be saved, but the other part of me had no clue!  I went through the valley all through high school really.  It was years of pain, heartache and struggles for me.  However through it all the Lord was faithful and poured His grace and mercy over my life!  My senior year of high school, the Lord really made His redemption real and known to me.  He opened my heart to truly accept that I am not worthy of His love, but that He still chooses to pour His redemption over me daily and redeem me.  My first year of college, the Lord really made Himself known to me and I learned so much about Him and what it truly means to be a follower of Christ.  I learned the importance of discipleship, and I truly learned and for the first time understood....I mean really understood and believed the gospel.  The gospel completely transformed my life.  However after that the attack was on!  Satan attacked me from every angle he could.  He attacked my weak points, the places in my life that I know I struggle with and it's easy for him to get to....but also he aimed his attack in places I have never struggled with before.  I was completely overwhelmed.  Then I went overseas for a semester and the Lord really opened my eyes to my heart and how dirty and gross it is...and ever since then I am more and more aware of the dirtiness of my heart.  Which is a good thing, but it's also really hard:) I mean none of us like to see how prideful, selfish, and horrible our hearts can be.  But it's good:)  So now I am in my second year of college and the Lord has brought me to the lowest of lowest of points, where all I had was Him! I had no one else to run, to....but Him!  And let me tell you, I have never in my life felt so completely loved by anyone.  The fact that the Creator of the universe, the King of Kings, The Sovereign God, the Almighty, would take the time to shut everything and everyone away from me, so that I would learn to rely on Him.  So I would learn that He is all I need.  So He could drench me in His love and not give up on me....man as I write this tears cascade down my cheeks because I am so overwhelmed by HIM!  He has brought me to the point where I had to decide for myself....why do I believe in Christ?  Is it because it's the way that I have been brought up, or is it because I KNOW that He is the Sovereign King over all things and over my life!  He has brought me to the point where I question, why do I want to work with trafficked girls overseas?  Is it because it's my heart and I am trying to do good things, or is it to bring glory to the name of Jesus Christ!! He has taken my heart and broken it, and healed it, and molded it into who He wants to be.  He has questioned my motives and changed my heart!  And daily he continues to make my heart look more like His!  That will be a never ending process, but a process that I will continue to allow Him to work on me for the rest of my life.  
So although the Lord came into my heart nine years ago, it has been such a journey that He has taken me on....a journey that I know if nowhere even close to through.  And I can't wait to see the valleys and mountaintops that He takes me on!  

Prayer Warrior

You know those time that you are struggling, and going through a tough time, and you have those people who say “oh I’m praying for you” and you walk away thinking “yea sure you are” they are just blowing smoke out of their mouth and they might send up a prayer to you right there, but then they will forget all about you?  Yep we all have those in our lives, and we all have been those in the lives of others.  I know that I have been that person more than not, and I that kills me.  Because that person is trusting me with something that they want me to go to the Father on behalf of, and all I do is send one prayer up and than forget about them.  But then we have those precious people who are just prayer warriors, and it blesses their heart to spend hours on their knees before the Savior on behalf of others.  Those souls are just precious! There are those few people who have come to me before going overseas and they tell me that they are praying for me, and it just brings comfort to my heart because I know that without their prayers I wouldn’t be going overseas in the first place.  And I know that without a doubt, they are at home on their knees interceding for me.  Let me tell you, those prayers make such a difference.  There were so many times whenever I was in Burma, and I just felt the  presence of the enemy over my life and couldn’t get him away.  And in those moments I would feel and experience the prayers of others and the Lord would bind the enemy off and the peace of Christ would wash over my life.  
The Lord is really working on my heart and teaching me how to be a prayer warrior.  When someone is struggling or hurting….truly going before the Lord, heartbroken and burdened for that person as if they were my family.  Because they are my family.  If they are a child of God then they are my brothers and sisters, and we should be on our faces in prayer for our brothers and sisters, prayer that their hearts would be comforted and that the Lord would continue to work in their lives.  Man I have never really thought much about prayer warriors, but the Lord is teaching and growing my heart in so many ways right now, and really teaching me the power of prayer.  I think sometimes we underestimate prayer and don’t believe in the power of prayer.  I want to be a prayer warrior for the Lord.  I want to be a prayer warrior for those who are one for me.  I want to be a prayer warrior for all of my brothers and sisters.  My brothers and sisters here in America and my brothers and sisters all over the world faithfully serving our Lord!

Not My Own....

North Carolina it’s good to be back!  I am here for Spring break and just as busy here as I am at school.  But I have to say it is SO great to be back on southern soil and the land of good ol sweet tea:)  Man I was so excited the second that sweet tea hit my lips and went down my throat....it was a party for my taste buds:) boy was it goooooood! On the drive back, and let me tell you it’s a long drive from KC to NC! However the Lord always uses it to grow me closer to Him and give me a moment with Him….A Jesus moment!  When I was driving the last stretch from TN to home I was looking at the mountains and just talking my heart away to the Lord, and it hit me, like really legit hit me….I am created to bring glory to the Savior.  I know that people always say it, but do I act like it?  Do I live my everyday like my life is not my own, but my Father’s to use for His glory?  No I don’t….I’ve been so focused on my classes, homework, work, and ministry that I don’t praise Him with every breath.  I am stressed and tired like everyone else, but I get caught up in the exhaustion.  But the Lord has really just shown me and given me a desire to have joy in Him, and live every breath like I should….and that is pointing the glory to Him, praising Him through it all, and finding joy that I am not my own, but my Father’s to use me for His glory!  When you think about it we can find freedom in the fact that we are not our own but the Lord’s.  Some may think it’s binding, however I see it as freedom.  I shouldn’t worry what others think or if they are critical, I shouldn’t worry what my ministry looks like, and if I’m “doing enough”  I shouldn’t let those things define me, but be obedient to the creator and daily remind myself that I AM NOT MY OWN!  

Childlike Faith....

Last night I was at the Inman's , which is the family that is moving to Africa that I talked about in a couple blogs ago.  I walked in to their oldest daughter's room who is ten, and her mother asked her "Ok what toys do you want to take with us to Africa?" Keep in mind they don't know how long they will be there!  It could be up to ten years!  And she pointed to a few items on her bed and said right here.  She had a jewelry box, two journals, her American Girl doll, and a few small other things! When I was ten I would've been grabbing every toy I could have found and shoved it in a bag! But at her age she understands what is really important in life, and the reason that they are going to Africa!  Her and I were packing her American Girl dolls up, and I asked her about school...and she went on to tell me that she liked school, however she did not like how they talked about all of these other god's.  She said "I don't see why we talk about all those other god's....we should only be talking about the one true God.  Because He is the only God and He is the most important.  And we should worship only Him."  Oh man....the sincerity of that precious girl.  You know so many times children don't get enough credit.  This precious girl knows something at the age of ten, that I didn't truly understand until I was 16 years old.  We need to learn from them...we should take a step back, and learn from the younger ones in our lives.  The one's who have "childlike faith". This sweet child of God understands that their family moving to the bush of Africa, is for the glory of God and that they don't need material things to satisfy them.  She understands that there is one and only one true God, and He is to be praised above all else.  So as I live my life, I desire to learn from these children of God, and to have a childlike faith!